Politically correct flu names in Oklahoma

April 30th, 2009

Leave it to us crazy Okies to stop eating pork because of the swine flu. A local pork expert explains:

“This new flu virus has not been found in pigs so there is no reason to be concerned about the safety of eating pork,” said Roy Lee Lindsey, executive director of the Oklahoma Pork Council. “We hope changing the name to the more appropriate H1N1 flu will help consumers understand that the current flu outbreak is not associated with pork.”

I sympathize with pork producers, I do. In fact, since this virus hasn’t been found in pigs, we should probably all be eating more pork. Perhaps there is something to be said for hogs stuffed with hormones* and antibiotics.
*No hormones are used in the raising of hogs.

But calling this virus H1N1? That’s ridiculous! What if this thing takes off and wipes out all of mankind? How embarrassing would that be when intergalactic lifeforms stumble on a pig-filled earth and read that it was a little ol’ H1N1 that kicked our humanoid butts? No, if there’s even the slightest chance of some virus killing us all, it should have a cool name that sends chills down your spine; like Black Death, Human Plague, or Obama’s Mama.

Therefore, I’ve asked some influential Okies to come up with alternative names for the influenza virus formerly known as Swine. Preferably a name that takes public attention off Oklahoma pork producers and places it elsewhere.

Gov. Brad Henry simply says he’ll veto whatever name the House comes up with.
Lt. Gov. Jari Askins doesn’t care what it’s called, but she’ll be there when it’s announced.
Attorney General Drew Edmondson refers to it as the Arkansas Chicken Virus.
Senator Jim Inhofe wants to call it the Global Warming Hoax Virus.
Senator Tom Coburn prefers the name People That Bring Up My Bank Bailout Vote Virus.
Rep. Tom Cole hasn’t received the GOP memo yet.
Rep. Mary Fallin is going with the Anti-American Values Virus.
State Sen. Glen Coffee hopes if he ignores it, it will disappear.
State Rep. Randy Terrill just plain calls it a Mexican Virus.
State Rep. Shane Jett envisions an H1N1OK! Virus.
OKC Mayor Mick favors anything that would look good on the side of a city building. And the City will even supply the building.

Okiedoke emotimasks are back!

April 28th, 2009

It’s understandable that folks are asking: “Hey Mike! What should we do about this pig virus?” After all, when the Asian bird flu threatened us all back in 2006, Okiedoke was there to save America.
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Bird virus got you flighty?


I’ve been a little preoccupied lately with this scary bird virus threatening to consume us. Not that I’m worried about it. Yet, I figure why not profit from this catastrophe? And do it in a way that saves lives.

Of course saving lives is easy. Everyone wearing a surgical mask is bound to reduce transmission rates. But this is America. We wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a dorky surgical mask in public. Americans are way too cool for that. So, I thought I’d save the country from impending doom with my new line of Okiedoke emotimasks©*.

There’s the Botox model –

The Luscious, now in flesh tone.

The YaYa, with flapping tongue.

We’ll even make masks to order. We’ve made some for dentists.

And librarians.

Get yours today. Orders are backing up. Don’t delay!

FEMA approved!

*Okiedoke emotimasks© are for psychological effect only.
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Good idea? Well, let’s just put it this way: how many people you know ever got the bird flu?

Therefore, I’ve started the ball rolling to produce another batch of emotimasks made specially for the swine virus. There will be a slight delay due to our Chinese supplier being executed for him mixing up the terms recyclable and recycled when labeling the masks. Don’t worry, those have all been sold. Anyway, you may be pleased to know that all Okiedoke Swine Flu emotimasks© are now produced in Mexico and shipped by Mexican truckers straight to your mailbox.

And if you order a Swine Flu emotimasks© Family Kit today, I’ll throw in five pounds of fresh pork parts* free! You pay only shipping and handling. That’s right folks, it’s like killing two birds with one stone; stopping the virus and devouring the culprits responsible. What could be more satisfying?

* Pork parts related to pig in some way.

Inhofe’s taste in art

April 23rd, 2009

Having Jim Inhofe as my Senator, it takes a really special remark about the guy to get my attention; something like this:

Grizzled convicts dancing in pink ballerina tutus for Jim Inhofe.

And to find out he paid for it too.

Sooners and Web don’t mix

April 23rd, 2009

It was last year that I asked OU men’s basketball assistant director, Mike Houck, if I could submit a question via email to a random player once in a while during the season. With the prestige Okiedoke holds with OU fans, I figured it was a shoo-in request.

Mr. Houck responded promptly and professionally. I wont quote him exactly, but the essence was: Thanks for asking, but who do you think you are? You aren’t respectable enough for us to deal with. Surely you understand.

And sadly, I did understand. It’s not the first time my “nothing ventured, nothing gained” attitude has drawn that kind of response. Believe it or not, sometimes people say yes.

Anyway, I feel a little better now, knowing it wasn’t just me.

Oklahoma warns athletes about dangers on Web

Among safeguards put in place following NCAA sanctions against the men’s basketball program, the university has created a policy with recommendations for athletes’ usage of social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace.

…athletes are warned that their postings must comply with a code of conduct and can be punishable with education, counseling, suspension or expulsion and with the reduction or cancellation of financial aid. It warns athletes not to post pictures that would portray them negatively…

Hey, that’s what I’ve been saying all along.

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However, OU’s web policy for athletes goes even further than that:

“‘Partying,’ ‘drinking,’ and ‘getting wasted’ do not qualify as real hobbies or interests,” the policy warns.

Yet another hardship on the Sooners, thanks to Kelvin Sampson!

Dogwoods, but no dogflowers

April 21st, 2009

One thing I notice while walking with Obi; he stops to smell just about everything but the flowers.

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Unless of course they’re coated in urine.

Taxation with too much representation

April 20th, 2009

There’s been a lot of people crying about “taxation without representation”. Well, us folks here in Little Axe have the opposite problem: “taxation with too much representation”.

The map below shows the Little Axe School District boundaries outlined in black. The area not only includes land on the west side of the lake, but covers portions of two counties, three state Senate districts (outlined in purple), three state House districts (outlined in wide blue, green and orange), part of City of Norman’s Ward 5 (shaded in yellow), and no less than two U.S. Congressional Districts.

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Little Axe is finely chopped

County Commissioners:
Cleveland District 2, George Skinner
Pottawatomie, District 2, Jerry Richards

State Senators:
District 15, Jonathan Nichols
District 16, John Sparks
District 17, Charlie Laster

State Representatives:
District 27, Shane Jett
District 45, Wallace Collins
District 53, Randy Terrill

Norman City Councilmember:
Ward 5, Rachel Butler

U.S. Representatives:
District 4, Tom Cole
District 5, Mary Fallin

I don’t know how we get by on only one city councilmember.

Free press ideal lost for Americans

April 18th, 2009

That damn Iran.

An Iranian court has sentenced a US journalist to eight years in prison on charges of spying for the United States, a defence lawyer has said.

Saberi, who had lived in Iran for six years, was working as a freelance journalist when she was arrested in January.

She was initially accused of working “illegally” since her press credentials were revoked in 2006, but last week the charge was changed to that of spying for foreigners.

How can Iranians expect us to treat them with any type of diplomacy or respect when they have so much disregard for one of our nation’s most treasured principle of human rights?

China continues to be world’s worst jailer of journalists for the 10th consecutive year.

Yeah, but that’s different. We expect that from a communist government. And besides, where else would we get our manufactured goods?

Pirates go Dutch

April 18th, 2009

The Somali pirates causing havoc on international shipping are a real pain in the ass to global traders. And governments seem to be dumb-founded on how to handle the problem. Personally, I kind of like the U.S. Navy Seals’ approach. But then again, I am an American who grew up with guns, violence, and a respect for vigilante justice when called for. Perhaps I should be more open-minded and consider the Dutch approach to dealing with pirates. After all, they do have a lot of experience with piracy.

And they did just free 20 Somali pirate captives without a loss of life, compared to our Seals ratio of three deaths to one rescued hostage.

The captives, Yemeni fishermen, were freed as the Dutch forces captured seven pirates in the Gulf of Aden.

They were aboard a pirate “mother ship” from which smaller craft attack commercial vessels.

You have to admit, that’s pretty impressive. How’d you like to be a Somali pirate facing the wrath of the Dutch?

The pirates were set free, the Associated Press news agency reports, because under Dutch law they could not be held at sea under the circumstances in which they were captured.

Geez, those soft-hearted Dutch; they probably don’t even sentence shoplifters to life in prison either.

Tulsa takes top enterprise ranking

April 12th, 2009

Oklahoma City is no slouch, but T-town has been recognized as #1 among the state’s major cities when it comes to one measure of business enterprise; the business of crime. CQ Press released their 2009 City Crime Rankings, placing Tulsa at the top in Oklahoma and 39th nationally.

The group summarized FBI statistics in six crime categories — murder, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary, and motor vehicle theft — per 100,000 population, to determine the rankings. Tulsa came in 37th nationally, edging out #2 Lawton for the state title. Other Okie cities:

Statewide – Nationally
#2 Lawton – 44th
#3 OKC – 77th
#4 Norman – 279
#5 Broken Arrow – 342
#6 Edmond – 345
#183 Little Axe – 89,477*

*Estimate, excludes cattle theft

Nationwide, Oklahoma comes in as the 16th most crime-ridden state, as long you don’t count Oklahoma’s tax-evading politicians, or Washington, D.C.

Think like an Okie. Or a goat.

April 8th, 2009

I came across this yesterday morning.

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While I don’t pretend to understand all Okies, the message I get from it is a warning for trespassing goats.